Just for laughs...

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.

"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

A old man was walking through the park in tears, when a lady saw him and decided to see if she could offer him some help. So the lady walked up to the man and asked him, "Do you have any family?"

The man immediately replied, "Oh yes!, I have a most beautiful wife who is cooking me an elegant dinner as we speak, three wonderful children who are all on the honor roll, and a lovely house."

Confused, the lady wondered how a man whose life appeared so wonderful could be walking through the park so sad. So she asked the old man, "If you have a beautiful wife, three wonderful kids, and a lovely home, why are you so sad?"

The old man replied, "Because I can't find my way home..."

An indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."

So the indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from indians."

There were three men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other "You know what? I know this bridge, where you can jump off and you bounce right back."

So the other man says, "No way that's ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible." The first replies, "Come on, I'll show is to you then." So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man says "Here I'll show you how it works."

So he climbs up on the edge and jumps off. Seconds later low and behold the man seems to just bounce back up astounding the second man. The second man says "Hey man, do that again! I can't believe it..." So the first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again. After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off. After a few moments, the second man doesn't return, so the first man walks back to the bar, sits down and orders another drink. The bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the first man and says, "Oh Superman, you're so cruel when you're drunk!"

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.

The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."

The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"

After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A cowboy sauntered into a saloon and swaggered toward the bar. Before reaching the bar he pulled out his six shooter, quickly aimed at a hat laying on the bar...and fired, causing the hat to jump 10 feet into the air. With incredible precision the cowboy fired five more shots... each one sending the hat flying in a different direction. With a final twirl the cowboy put his pistol back into the holster.

Obviously impressed the barman paused from cleaning a glass and said, "Mighty fine shootin' pardner." The cowboy smiled and gently tapped his gun.

"Now if I was you", continued the barman, "I'd file down the foresight and the trigger, and coat the body of the gun in grease."

"Oh?" said the cowboy, "Will that make me shoot better?"

"Nope," said the barman, "but that hat belongs to Mad Dog Johnson...and as soon as he gets back from the john, he is going to shove that pistol right up you!"

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03/18/00 09:48:56 AM