Last page for now...

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. After taking the parrot home, he tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out only two hours later with a badly beaten badger. The animal is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room. One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed they were old enough to start cursing.

"When we go downstairs," the older one instructed, "I'm gonna say 'hell' and you can say 'ass'." The four-year-old agreed.

They went downstairs and their mother asked, "What do want for breakfast?"

"Aw hell", the seven-year-old said, "I'll just take some Cheerios." The mother promptly slapped him and sent him to his room.

At this point, the four-year-old was getting intimidated, "And what do you want?" the mother asked.

"I don't know," the younger one said, "but you can bet your ass it's not going to be Cheerios."

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided an ultimatum on humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God decided to call up Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates.

God meets with them and tells them that unless they can make the world a perfect place in 3 days, he is going to kill everyone.

Boris Yeltsin goes back, and speaks to the Russian people. He says "I have bad news. There is a god, and he will kill us all in 3 days if we don't make the world perfect."

Bill Clinton goes back, and speaks to the American people. He says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a god, but the bad news is that he will kill us all in 3 days unless we make the world perfect."

Bill Gates goes back, and speaks to all his Microsoft employees. He says, "I have good news. God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people on earth, and we don't have to worry about finishing Windows98."

A husband and wife were getting a divorce, and so they wree told to take their child to the judge so he could decide who would get custody. After reaching the judges office the judge looked at the child and said, "I'm going to let your mother take care of you."

The child replied, "I don't want to live with my mother, she beats me."

The judge paused for a second and then said, "Okay then, I guess you can live with your father."

The child immediately responded, "But I don't want to go with him either, he beats me too!"

After thinking about this a second the judge asked, "Well then, where do you want to go?"

The child said, "I want to go with the Red Sox, they never beat anybody."

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

emails: [email protected]

Please View and sign my guestbook...