More where these came from...
Dear Redneck Son,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know
you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20
miles from your home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved so
that they wouldn't have to change
their address. This place is really
nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well though; last week I
put a load in and pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since. The weather
isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days
and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you,
your Uncle Stanley said it would be
too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons
on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets. John locked his keys
in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get
me and your Father out.Your sister
had a baby this morning; but I haven't found
out if you are an aunt or uncle. The
baby looks just like your brother...........
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last
week. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off valiantly and
drowned. We had him cremated and he burned
for three days. Three of your
friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the
window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the
envelope was already sealed.
Church Of Elvis
Father O'Mally has been preaching
at his church in
Ireland for so long,
that he decides to take a
vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious
as to what
an American endures in everyday
life. So, he decides to go to the States before
it is too
late.
He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.
He arrives in
the Airport
in Las Vegas. As he is exiting
the plane, someone in the airport runs
up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I
knew you weren't dead Elvis!
How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says,
"Get outta me face.
Can't you see I'm not Elvis?
I don't look a thing
like Elvis." The father moves
on to his cab waiting
outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset
so he tells the cabby, "Take me to
my hotel and step
on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir -
Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm
your number one fan! It's
so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis!
Now turn around
and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the
hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to
the hotel check-in counter.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams
the hotel
clerk.
"You're back Elvis! I knew this day
would happen. We saved everything just the
way you like
it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter
and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,and
a cabinent
full of food! I'm so glad
you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel
clerk and says,
"Thank you. Thank you very much!"
Said At Funeral
There were three men standing at the
Pearly Gates of
Heaven where Saint Peter met them and
asked, "what
would each of you like to hear your
relatives or friends
say at your funeral?"
The first man answered, "I am a renound
doctor and I
would love to hear
someone say how I had been
instrumental in saving someone's life
and gave them a
second chance."
The second man replied, "I am
a family man and a
school teacher, I would like to hear
some say what a
great husband and father I was and
that I had been
made a difference
in some young persons life."
The third man replied, "Wow guys,
those are really
great things but I guess if I
had my choice I would
rather hear someone say, "LOOK!!! HE'S
MOVING!!!"
I Got Faith
A guy's in his house when
horrendous rains come
up. The water starts rising,
and before you know
it, we're talking major flood.
Roads are covered.
Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat
comes along.
Guy in the boat yells,
'Come on - we're here to
save you. Get in the boat.'
Guy in the house says,
'No...I've got faith that
God will save me.' The boat leaves. The
water keeps rising. The guy
is forced up the second floor
of his house by the
flood waters. Another boat comes along.
The guy in
the boat yells, 'Come on!
It's getting worse. If
you don't get in the boat, you're
going to drown.'
From the second
floor window the guy says,
'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith
in God that he'll
save me.' The boat leaves.
Water's rising. The
guy's on the roof. A helicopter
hovers overhead
and the pilot
shouts out, 'This is your last
chance. Climb up the ladder.
If you don't come
now you're going to drown.'
The guy says from the roof, 'No,
thanks. God will
save me.'
The pilot shrugs
his shoulders and splits. The
water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends
to the pearly
gates. He asks St. Peter,
'What happened? I've
been devoted to God and had absolute
faith that he
would
save me. Why did he let me down?'
And St. Peter tells him,
'What the heck do you
want? God sent ya two boats
and a helicopter!?'
Please feel free to send me any funnies that you feel are worthy of this page!
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