These are writings I have done for my own purpose.  Feel free to read them, but beware I am not looking for sympathy,  just for understanding...

12-20-98

Well, it's been awhile since I've written... I don't exactly know why I stopped writing, because as I begin to type I start to feel myself relax. That is something I haven't felt in a long time.  It's been months since my step dad has left us, and I sometimes wonder what drove him away.  If all else we always showed him we loved him, even if we got a cold shoulder.  I have never been the type to let people know what I was thinking, as far back as I remember I never cried.  As life goes on though  I 've come to realize that not all things are always going to be the same.  Recently,  I  found out I was sick.  I have what is known as Sjogrens Syndrome (showgyns),  I can't exactly explain how it makes me feel. I 've never been a sick person, as far back as I can recall, I've never got sick... So in a way I feel helpless,  It is an auto immune disease, from what my doctor told me, if I get sick, instead of my cells fighting the bacteria it helps it,,, Also it well dry up all my moisturizing glands, such as my tear ducts, saliva glands, my skin and it can get worse and damage your digestive system.  I haven't quiet gotten over the fact that I'm sick.  When i talk about it i still get very tense. Also for some reason I cannot explain it brings tears to my eyes.  I try so hard not to pity myself, but it seem like I'm so helpless!  Lately, I  have been having major problems with my eyes,  I can't wear my contacts comfortably, my eyes are getting so bad I feel as if I am  blind without contacts.  As for my saliva glands, those are terrible it seems I can't go without a drink for less than 10 minutes....  Can you imagine yourself in a desert with only 2 ounces of water, having a thirst that can not be satisfied is the worst feeling in the world, Other than that I have not hand any other problems so far,  But, I don't hold my breath it seems I've been sick more times in the last few weeks, than in my whole childhood!  I  am told that this can lead to Lupus, which is what really scares me.  Sjogrens patients have a 30% chance, but mine is increased because of the fact that I have 5 aunts and 1 cousin who already has it.  As for now all I can do with myself is cope...  something that I have never been good at.

                                                peanut

12-23-98

    Well, today for some reason I woke up feeling extremely sorry for myself, I can't explain what is happening to myself.  I know I shouldn't feel this way but there is nothing I can do to stop what is happening to me.  I never realized how much my life is changing, and how much it is effecting me.  I try to hide the way I feel not wanting to feel bad, to stop people from feeling sorry  for me.  For some reason I can't,  it's just not right to let others feel your pain, for others to worry about you, I never ever wanted to be a burden and for some reason...  that is all I've felt like, a ""Burden.""  As I sit her writing, I can't seem to stop the tears from falling... Why am I feeling this way, how do i stop it,  why is this happening to me?  I face these questions every night trying to find an answer on what I did to deserve this, and I can't.  I hear not voices telling me that I don't deserve this, no one answers me... no one!  It seems to me that like my sickness I am in a world fighting no one but myself, and  I can't seem to win.  I guess I''ll always be fighting a losing battle... always.

                                                            peanut

01-02-99

    Well, Happy New Year!!! This week has been really crazy,  so many things have happened. Well it's been awhile since I've been online, I haven't been able to  act like myself.  For some reason I don't know why  I've felt really down.  I've tried so hard to be myself, but it's not working... Other than that life's been bearable.  Over the weekend one of my friends from high school came down.  During our senior year she grew apart from me. We were like sisters, lived here for a couple months.  Cynthia, that is her name, Well she came down and seen me.  We haven't talked for two years and acted like we were still the bestest of friends.  For some reason it's different now.  For some reason I haven't been able to get close to people.  I've felt closer to friends I've met on the net.  I think it's easier to talk to them  that way.  When Cynthia asked how I was doing, well I told her, and she was saying how I'll be okay.  How can she walk out on me and than two years later she walks back into my life saying how well I'm going to be!!! I just don't understand!  This puts my life in a bind, I can't handle being with someone and talking about myself.  It's just too hard to talk to someone about it.  I mean I try to  and just lose it, I hate to  cry and lately that is all it seems I've been doing.  I've talked to my doctor and I think I am going to have to  get glasses, my eyes are getting worse and worse, it's so unbelievable!

                                                                   peanut

01-04-99

    Well today something scary happen to me at work.  I can't explain what happen, but it made me feel helpless and it gave me a feeling that death was near.  I am not one to think like that, at least I have never been that way before.  Well last night while I laid in bed I told my boyfriend that if anything ever happened to me for him to take care of my mother.  He is the kind of person who hates to talk about death, like most people are.  Well today when I woke up for work, for some reason I felt as if I shouldn't go to work.  Being the person that I am, I went anyway.  It wasn't more than 10 minutes of being there that I started to feel my hands and knees shake uncontrollable.  I noticed my breathing was becoming shorter and shorter.  I continued to work not wanting to leave.  I thought that over time it would pass.  Unfortunately it didn't, it got worse.  It grew so bad I began to get dizzy, feeling my head spin and my knees shake I got scared.  I stood there for a second but before I could sit down I was gasping for air.  I have no idea why this happen or what caused it, I don't think it had anything to do with the Sjogrens.  I  have never felt so helpless and scared in my whole life.  People started to gather around me, and as I gasped for air and tears rolled down my face all I could think about was if my boyfriend would take care of my mother.  As these feelings passed I begin to breathe normal again.  I was sent home from work and all day the only thing I could think about was all the grief and pain I have caused people in my life.  I wonder if this was a sign? Could this be GODS warning?  Last but not least Why Me?

                                                            Laura

01-19-99

    Well it's been awhile since I've written, and people are asking me when I'm gonna write something, so figured I would today.  It seems so nice for people to actually wanna know what's going on with me.  It's not easy these days to find people to listen to you without adding there own opinion or lecturing you on how it should be done or said.  I always as a person have figured out that most people when they tell you their problems they aren't asking for advice they just want someone to hear them out.  I want to thank all of you who hear me out, I know it bores people and that most people have enough to worry about, than I just add to their worries, and for that I am  truly grateful... Well I've cut back on the time I spend on the comp, guess I didn't wanna act too addicted to it.  Also my mother thinks it's good for me to go out and  do stuff.  *rolls eyes* Well i've been working like crazy trying to keep my mind in place.  When I have time to think I can't think of anything good.  So I've  figured what the heck, I've  been keeping myself busy and also enrolled my puppy in obedience classes, that passes time.  Ever since I've gotten sick the last time I've  been getting headaches and dizzy spells.  I haven't went to the doctor and don't  plan to I just don't want any bad news, not now, not today.  It's weird when  I read what I've typed, I feel as if I am so out of place here.  I have no one to talk to, it feels as if I am all alone.  I have friends here, but none of them know my pain, none of them know what it feels like to wake up at night,  choking cause your mouth is so dry.  This guy at work had a picture of me and he said the other day how he looked at it and how he suddenly felt as if I was sad, he said that right before his eyes he seen my picture just change,  He than asked me if I was okay, and that since that day he has been worried about me.  I answered to him that I was fine... When deep inside I was hurting so bad I couldn't hardly stand it.  Sometimes I think that I can feel my whole spirit slip of my body, as if I'm not there, that's when it is so easy to lie about my true thoughts and feelings, that's how i go through life... Is that possible?
 

01-25-99

    Well today is not good... I guess it's been one bad thing after another, sometimes it looks as if it's not getting any better... and like it won't.  I've given my life some thought and I see how different life is now... I wonder if it is possible for one to die spiritually, but not physically? If that is possible I am assuming that that is what has happened to me... Sometimes I go through  life in a daze, I hear myself laugh with others, see myself smile, and think to myself that can't be me.  How do I feel this, I remember I used to be so strong willed and used to smile all the time, I had a smile from ear to ear all the time.  Now it hurts to smile, every time I smile I feel fake, because  I don't want to do it.  It's true when they say that smiling is the window to life... It seems that mine has been broken.  Although in a way a smile is what keeps people from seeing my pain and hurt.

                                                        Laura

02-10-99

    Well it's been so long since I've written anything, so i figured I'd better write someone might wanna hear my problems!! *lol* Well that is not likely. Anyhow I've been doing a lot better, my eyes aren't so bad as they used to be, except that every time right before I lay down to sleep I feel as if someone has just tossed some sand into my eyes, they say that is normal for me... *sigh* Well now that my eyes are getting better it seems that my skin is getting worse and worse... I am constantly applying lotion, which doesn't help at all... I'm thinking of going to a dermatologist see if I can get a prescription lotion or something.  The other day when I put my rings on, after a couple of hours my fingers started to ache, so I removed them and noticed that they had cut right through my skin.  It's weird how my shin gets so tight sometimes I feel as if I can hear it crack.  I hardly wear make-up anymore, cause of the fact that it dries out my face really bad.  Although mentally I've been feeling really good, just glad that I haven't had much time to think about anything.  It helps to keep me from thinking like I'm worthless, or in other words helps me from thinking about where my life is going.  If my life were to go anywhere, how long would it be for and would it be worth it is what worries me,  Maybe I think too much????

                                                        Laura

    Well it's been more than a month since I've written anything here so I thought that I would take some time out of my schedule to write.
A  lot of things have happened since my last written entry.  First off I well start with my brother, whom I love very much.  I would like to address this to him hoping that some day he might come across this page. Juan I know with out family you have never been close to us and that you never wanted to be around us... I know that you have a problem that only you can fix or handle, but know this we all love and care about you deeply.  I know that they say that when someone can admit that they have problems that is the first step. Only I want more out of you, I want you to be able to get help, make something out of yourself, you are a very smart person and can go far,  Don't let anyone tell you different. "You well be someone great!"
    I have not been on the internet much lately, I think I am becoming too involved with it... It's become the biggest part of  my life, and that can't possibly be good,  I have also started to look into some college I want to make something out of myself... What I don't know.. But I'm working on it.  I think I have become what some call depressed, weird how many people are close to you in real life and none of them can see your pain,  I know that sometimes I get on line and some of my cyber friends notice the changes. I sometimes imagine they know and care more about me than the people in my real life...  I recently received a email from a friend, someone I consider to very caring, and dear friend to me.  Well in his letter I could tell or at least felt that he truly cared for my and my health.  It was so weird how I never felt like someone knew me that well and cared so much.  Especially being the that he (Ryan) has never met me or seen me in RL... That feeling is something that I well never forget. Thanks for caring Ryan you are more than appreciated.*hugs*
Well I'll leave it with that note.. Thanks to everyone who has made me smile...*hugs* You all know who you are...

                                                                Laura

04-08-99

    I know that I have not been writing at all so maybe this was a bad  idea, but than again I do like to have a place to come and bare all.  It is not common that  people well bare all with someone they do not know.  Perhaps they don't even think they well meet again so they tell a little lie, perhaps they say things about themselves that causes others to think they are more then an average person... Yet here I am telling the world my thoughts on life and the things I go through, seems strange to me, maybe somewhat different then what I am used to... I recall that when I first started my home page that I thought that I was giving out too much information, you know these are the 90's... When the truth was that I was just telling who  I wanted to be. As I go through theses pages of my home page I realize that this is really who I am... I am in fact in pain, struggling, and I do want what everyone has... health.   I know I am not a poet nor do I want to be, yet yesterday it was as if these words would not leave me..  So here they are...

  05-06-99

    Well again I have let too much time to pass before I have written anything, and so much has happened.  I've come to learn that life is truely what you make it...  Lately well since the last time that I wrote I must say I have found a lot of happiness in myself and my friends.  I don't quite remember when I was this happy.  I have tried not to think about being sick but sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for myself, especially since I think I have been sick every other week.  Well I recently found one of my close friends Cynthia on the net and gave her a call.  I might have spoke of her earlier I'm not sure... Well we talked and talked, it's good to have friends to talk to and remember how things used to be.  I also wrote a friend that used to be my  neighbor and I'm hoping she remembers me... Well I'm not really sure if it was a good idea to write but I did.  I have grown very close to a friend named Allen, he is very helpful.  It's so wierd how we get online and can talk for hours and hours and not ever run outta words.  Sometimes I think we are soul mates.  He understands me and I try to understand him,., Finding someone that you can connect with if really important it helps me cope better.  I know that if it were not for him I would not be feeling the same way that I am... I have also met some new people on the net, they are fun as heck and make me smile, it's wierd how all these people have an effect on my life and don't even know it... I wish I could thank every one of them they deserve it...
    My life is only what I make it... I chose it so be one  that doesn't end until I'm ready!!!
                                                                    Laura Corpus

05-18-99

    Well it has been over a month and I am sure that things can not get any worse...  this month has been a really bad month for me, and  everyone I care about.  On the 7th of May my very dear cousin Raquel, who is like a sister to me became ill.  She was taking birth control (shots), when she started to hemorrhage.  She was at work and had pasted out in a bathroom stall, a young girl found her laying in a  pool of blood and got help... EMS immediatly took her in and she had lost such a great amount of blood that they did not have time to find her own kind that they gave her a cross blood (blood type that isn't her own).  To make matter worse she had been pregnant, 36 weeks to be exact.. Some say how could she not have known? She was on the shot and had recieved her monthy ever month on time and she never showed any signs of pregnancy.  I had seen her just 2 days before the incident and was overcome with confusion...  Well by the time she arrived at the hospital  the baby was dead, they did an emergacy caesarian.  When she woke she was told that the baby had died... It was totally heart breaking, the pain in her eyes was one that no one could describe, how could they tell her she lost a child when she did not know she was baring one? For the next  8 hours she cried, off and on as she drifted in and out of sleep.
    It was diffecult for me to be at a total loss of words, I know not what to say or do, the only thing I could do was be there for her... I tried so hard not to cry I could feel her pain, anger, and sadness, yet I knew I could never feel her loss.  How could  a GOD who makes such beatiful things, cause someone so much pain?
     The child being fully developed was buried and a service was helf for her her name was "Ashley Elizabeth." and she was the most beautiful baby...
    I know things can only get better everyone says that when things look like they are down the only way to go is up... I don't understand that completely and I doubt I ever will...
    Does God punish us for or wrongs?
 

                                                                    Laura Corpus

p.s. I have also recieved a call from the friend I mentioned earlier this month...She remembers me, we made plans to meet. that truely makes me smile...

    07-31-1999

Okay this one is going to be a long one being that it has been so long since I've written anything.  First of all I am not sure i mentioned that I got a full time job, so that cuts down on my internet time. *pouts*  In the honest truth I have not truely missed my time on the internet, just my friends.  I do like my job and it's differant so I'm learning new things everyday... A little stressful but it's good.
    Umm incase you've been wondering how I've been physically and mentally.. Well I've seen better, I have been expereincing some pain in my eyes and a little through out my body. I'm not really sure how I am handling myself mentally, I recently talked to one of my cousins and She told me that for some reason she feels I'm not happy maybe a little depressed... Maybe I'm coming off as helpless and differant.   I sometimes wonder if I am changing.  I sometimes realize that I am constantly thinking of death...   Don't think that I'm suicidal or anything like that. It's just that when i lay down I  am constistly thinking that I may not wake up, that this may be my last nite.  For some reason I'm not even sure I can escape those thoughts or feelings.  I catch myself working really hard and than suddenly I
am thinking of death.  I'ts really weird cause I used to see myself years from now....  Now I don't see myself anywhere not even tomorrow.... Well for now that is all, until I get more time to write, or until I find something to write about...

                                                        Laura